Monday, May 21, 2007

The weird wild world of Walmart

A guy brought up two packs of light bulbs, exchanging one for the other. I asked him if there was anything wrong with the ones he was returning (which were open and now unsellable). He says no. I say "So they were just the wrong size" and pause for him to confirm my statement. He says "Look at 'em. What's the difference between them?" I look down at them, annoyed with the little game he's come up with to waste my time, and say slowly "These are smaller than those." He hollers "BINGO!" in a rather loud, combative way. I felt like backhanding him. What a tool.

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A lady and her son walked up and returned something. Before she left she said "Can I ask you something? Are there really bed bugs?" I told her I really didn't know; I thought they were made up. She starts telling me all about how her son got lice a while ago and she had to comb and wash everything of his. Well, her head had started itching recently, and she had felt little bites on her scalp, but she hadn't found anything even though she combed it really well and checked. Could lice lay eggs in your hair? She didn't know if they did that, so she was more inclined to think it was bed bugs, if they did in fact exist. Never having dealt with any type of scalp infestation myself, I was little help to her. I summoned all the self-control I had trying not to look totally disgusted, and simply told her she should probably go see a doctor sometime in the near future. A little bit later I started to feel a little itchy; I was gonna be so pissed if she passed her nasty bug problem onto me - like working in retail isn't bad enough, now there's the added bonus of having to worry about your health and hygiene every time you deal with the one of the unwashed miscreants that wander into the store.

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There's always some sort of dramatic offering available outside. It's the perfect setting; something about the concrete, loud birds that scavenge, empty beer bottles, trash, loose carts, and crappy cars held together by duct tape.... I like to call it Porter Parking Lot Theatre.

Sometimes it's a car fire, sometimes fisticuffs, sometimes a hit-and-run, and sometimes a getaway car's unique brand of flight. A few days ago my manager saw a thief hop into his friend's waiting car and then promptly whip all the way across the parking lot to over by Home Depot. . . in reverse. No joke. I had no idea that such ridiculous, odd behavior existed - much less in such a regular daily fashion. Every day I get new stories. If this place were boring I would literally have quit a long time ago; there'd be no reason to stay there. What makes a good day for me is if someone behaves in a bizarre manner and I'm around to see it.

Simply put, it's fun to witness the weirdness.
Whenever I end up quitting I'm definitely gonna miss it.

3 comments:

Dr Dave said...

There are such things as bedbugs. And you should probably find out on what aisle that WalMart carries the lice shampoo so that you can advise your customers (hopefully not you).

Luke said...

Haha, bedbugs in a PORTER home!? Never! Bedbugs can be somewhat persistent and very annoying. I don't remember where I heard/read that. I think I saw a documentary involving them a while ago. Anyways, I'm told a couple people on the other side of my dorm had bedbugs last year. Apparently they spread to their crappermate's room too.

EaLeah said...

ew ew ew ew ew...... It makes my skin crawl just reading about it. I was getting seriously itchy at work - apparently I'm highly suggestible when it comes to conversations involving insect activity.